One Year Ago…
One year ago…
One year ago today, in July 2017, the ground was pulled under my feet when my embryo(s) got flushed down the toilet at 9.5 weeks of my first pregnancy. Apart from the excruciating physical suffering, it was a tremendous emotional shock, since it came completely out of the blue for me (us). Not even once had I considered the possibility of a miscarriage. I was so confident that after having prepared my body extensively, having resolved my period pains (and with them hormonal imbalance) and having conceived immediately at the first try, the pregnancy would be healthy and uncomplicated. I was convinced that by now we would be a family with a 5 months old baby… How different things turned out to be! How very, very different… and how happy I am with the way they turned out! Because what seemed like one of the darkest moments in my life turned out to be a big, big blessing in disguise.
This may sound hard and is maybe difficult to understand from the outside, but it is my innermost truth. I share it with you to illustrate a foundational belief I hold. A belief that has the power to change everything and that I invite all of my clients to at least try on. It is the belief that “Everything happens for a reason and is always in my (your, our) best interest”. Instead of asking “WHY does this happen TO me?”, my default question is “HOW is this happening FOR me?”. In what way might this situation actually be serving me? What lesson is it here to teach me that will help my soul grow and become even more conscious, more authentic, more loving? I ALWAYS look for the hidden treasure in ANY situation. And because I look, I usually find it.
When I reflected upon “What I learned from my miscarriage” just a few months after the event, I already came up with a list of possible “treasures” to be found in a miscarriage in general, and the ones I had personally found in mine so far. I pointed out that while some treasures can be identified rather quickly, others may take more time to become obvious. I also pointed out that the “reason” why we miscarry might not always be physical or due to something we do or don’t do… After one year, and a second miscarriage in February 2018, the following two points from the “general” list turned out to be highly relevant for my “personal” list:
- “The outer circumstances of our Life are not right yet to have a child: there is no time or no space or no money, or we are not with the right partner or not in the right place”.
- “The child loss will lead us to an unexpected (metaphoric) place, a place that we need to get to, but probably would not without the experience. We can only realize that looking back.”
Spot on Claudia…
Because relatively shortly after the second miscarriage, in June 2018, me and my (now ex-) partner decided to end our relationship. Because even if we loved (and still love) each other, we were not bringing out the best in each other and we agreed that parting ways would be the most loving decision for both of us. If I (we) had indeed had a baby, it would not have been in our mutual best interest. Even though it would probably still have been delightful in some way and we would have “worked things out” somehow, I have a feeling that in the long run I (we) would not have been truly happy and fulfilled. And that’s what we both deserve.
Not being pregnant anymore has also allowed me to embark on a deeply nourishing and transformative journey of self-discovery and exploration instead – a journey that at this point in my life is more valuable to me than having a baby. Not for anything in this world would I want to exchange the life and love experiences I have been blessed to live thanks to losing my babies.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not diminishing the value of a baby – not at all! Even my own two spirit babies do not feel hurt hearing my words – in fact they are delighted that I found peace with their decision to come and leave again, that I learned (and am deeply grateful for) the lessons they came to teach me, and that I am happy where I am right now. They know just as well as I do that when the moment is right, and if it is indeed meant for me, another soul will find its way to me and stay.
In the meantime, I am simply curious what the next 365 days hold in store for me. Because if I have learned one thing, it is that Life is full of surprises and unpredictable. However, what I know for sure is that no matter where I will be one year from now, I will be on my path and I will be fine. And that is all I need to know.