Finding your inner anchor
We all have a need for security and stability in our lives. The difference is how important this need is for us and how we satisfy it. We can look for stability and security outside of us: a safe home, a stable job and regular income, a long-term relationship, a large cushion of money on our bank account… This is in fact what most of us do and of course it makes perfect sense.
Yet all of that is worth nothing if we cannot also find security and stability inside of ourselves. If we only rely on outer factors, we set ourselves up for periods of extreme stress, anxiety and/or depression the moment those outer factors are (or threaten to be) taken away from us: When we lose our job (or decide to start our own business), when money gets tight, when our relationship ends, when we have to move out of our home… or when all of this actually happens at the same time.
It’s in those moments of perceived outer instability that we put ourselves at risk to look for compensation and escape in food (i.e. emotional eating or overeating), disordered eating (controlling food or calorie intake, obsessing about food, weight or exercise), compulsory behaviors (i.e. overworking, shopping, over-controlling our partners), substances such as tobacco or alcohol… or that we stay in situations that are actually unhealthy for us (i.e. jobs, places or relationships that no longer serve us). Because all of those offer a sense of control and security and thus satisfy a deep inner need, even if deep down we know it is an illusion.
It is easy to feel strong, confident and grateful when things go well. However, when things seem to go “wrong” it is easy to drop into fear, doubt and negativity. It’s in the moments when things are being shaken up that we need to trust the most.
Personally, I am going through a phase of (perceived) tremendous instability on all the mentioned fronts right now: Love, home, work and money. It would be easy for me to freak out on a daily basis or to walk around feeling like Life is punishing me. And sometimes I do. Most of the times though I feel far too happy and alive to do so (which might seem like a paradox, but in fact is perfectly logical, because we can only get to the highs if we are ready to take the lows, too…). And so, rather than looking for escape (as I would have done and actually did 20 years ago, when I developed an Eating Disorder shortly after my parents got divorced), I use this time of outer insecurity and chaos as a unique opportunity to learn to get anchored even deeper inside myself and in my trust in Life. I have written before about the concept of Unshakable Trust and my current situation offers me the perfect training ground to incorporate it even more into my consciousness and let it become my default mode of being.
When we are afraid, everything in us contracts and we go into fight or flight mode. In this state, we perceive everything through a negative filter and are much more likely to take even the most innocent comment or action personally. Feelings of resentment and disappointment, anger and sadness cloud our sky and make it almost impossible to see the sun and feel its warmth shining down on us. It suffices to feel afraid in one area of our lives (i.e. finances) to highly reduce our ability to feel joy, pleasure, love and gratitude in other areas, too (i.e. in love).
A tightly closed (contracted) fist cannot receive anything and we might not even see all the wonderful gifts being offered to us, just because they come in a different form than expected.
Not to even mention all the negative effects stress has on our health and fertility.
As outlined in “feel it – deal it – heal it”, the moment I catch myself contracting and dropping into fear (which does happen regularly, despite my overall happiness), I acknowledge the feeling, I look what’s behind it (usually some form of self-doubt) and then make a conscious effort to remind myself to trust.
- To trust into my uniqueness, worthiness and value.
- To trust that I deserve the fulfillment of my heart’s deepest desires.
- To trust that I am good enough.
- To trust that the right people will appreciate and value who I am.
- To trust that I am always loved and protected.
- To trust that Life is on my side and that there will always be “enough” for me (love, abundance, material things…).
- To trust in the process of Life and that the Universe will provide me with what I need when I need it (which might be different from what I think I want or what I would define as the perfect moment).
- To trust in my mind’s and body’s ability to deal with whatever comes my way.
- To trust into my magnetism, inner strength and power.
- To trust that what is meant to be will be, and what is not meant to be will not be.
- To trust that everything happens for a reason and is always in everyone’s best interest.
Life is inherently unpredictable and uncertain. Death is the only certainty in life and anything that is absolutely stable, anything that does not change anymore is dead per definition. To live, to REALLY live means to embrace change and to accept the insecurity of not knowing what will happen in the next moment. Anchoring us deep into unshakable trust in ourselves and in Life is what allows us to overcome the fear of the unknown, to relax into uncertainty and to even start enjoying it.
Instead of expecting bad things to happen and contracting in anticipation, we can shift into curiosity about what amazing miracle might be about to happen or in what brilliant way Life might show us the solution to a situation that seems so totally hopeless… Not only does this perspective make life much more fun to live, but it also immediately shifts our frequency and keeps us open, relaxed and receptive to opportunities that we might have otherwise missed completely. And if indeed things do go “wrong”, it allows us to find the treasure in those seemingly “negative” events. Trust the wait and let the wait be an invitation for magic.
We can be physically free, but as long as we are not free of fear we are still living in prison. By choosing to step out of fear and into trust, we realize that uncertainty is not a scary thing. We trust so deeply in ourselves, love and Life, that this becomes our certainty, our inner anchor. Then we do not depend on outer circumstances to feel safe and secure anymore (although we can of course still choose to have them in place). Then things can fall apart around us without affecting our sense of inner stability, confidence, worthiness and happiness.
This state of absolute trust is the state of absolute love and absolute freedom. Just catching a glimpse of it from time to time is enough to make me feel deeply grateful for all the challenges that allow me to experience it and encourages me to keep going back to trust again and again and again. And just like with anything else, the more I practice, the more I train my “trust” muscle, the easier, faster and longer I am able to use it.
May you too find the security you need deep inside yourself ! If you need guidance on this journey, do not hesitate to reach out.